I've been thinking about this movie all day trying to decide how best to tackle my feelings concerning the whole... thing. I feel like I need to start out positive.
HEY! If you're going to see one movie in which Channing Tatum is half naked (and sometimes totally naked) this year, you should totally see "Jupiter Ascending," instead of that weird stripper one. Not that this movie isn't a weird version of its genre... It totally is. Hmmm.... Let's try a different approach. I may get a little spoilery. Sorry.
One of the things I really admire about Wachowski movies is their use of strong, female leads in their films. As a teen, I idolized Trinity from the Matrix trilogy, "Bound" is all about the lady power and "Cloud Atlas," has a plethora of strong female leads to choose from. However, the woman who "Jupiter Ascending," is named for is a bit of a disappointment. While at times, she showed a willingness to fight and a strong heart, other times she kind of became a whining, mewling mess or just made some obviously super bad decision.
I mean, it is totally understandable to be a bit overwhelming to learn that not only to other inhabited worlds exist, but you're royalty of some kind there! Sort of... Well, You aren't royalty but your DNA matches someone who was royalty so by that standard, yeah sure! Why the hell not? She didn't seem to have trouble adjusting to much though. Weird alien humanoids? Cool. Channing Tatum is like, 60% dog? Would totally still bone him. "I love dogs!" Whoa, weirdly okay with bestiality. Bees will never sting you? Effing sweet! I'm queen of the damn bees! What'd the only thing she's flinching at? Her dress is too fancy. Really? REALLY?! *SIGH*
So after being informed that she is the new owner of Earth, Jupiter Jones is met by the three children of the woman she is the DNA reincarnate of and they each try to seduce her in their own way. Kaliques' all, "Join me and we can be young and hot forever!" Which Jupiter was like, "Cool but also kind of creepy." Titus was like, "Soylent Green is people! We should get married RIGHT NOW because REASONS." To which Jupiter was like, "That's a totally reasonable thing to do considering our circumstances. We should get married but I'm going to remind you throughout the ceremony that I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER which totally isn't creepy at all. Isn't my hat pretty? Oh, shiny object. JK on the whole wedding thing, I forgot I wanted to bone the dog man." And the last baddie, Balem didn't even bother pretending to be nice to her and Jupiter collapsed at his feet like a bitch... but then realized he's a little bitch and punched him causing there to be a whole lot of angsty noises.
This movie is really pretty and as long as you don't think about the story too hard, it's pretty good! This would be a great movie to mute and have in the background of a space opera themed party. It has a lot of good in it but it also has a lot of questionable. The soundtrack is amazing and it is visually stunning to see in theaters, but it's basically a two-hour-long climax. You don't get a moment to breathe and you know, sometimes gasps of air are nice.
I know this isn't the most structured review I've ever written but I feel like it is the review this movie deserves. Here, I can reduce it to bulletpoints:
- RUSSIANS
- ASTRONOMY
- BEES
- BEASTIALITY
- FANCY DRESSES
- SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE
- LUCHEDORA GUARDS
- INCEST
- FAMILY
So go see it but keep your expectations in check.
