Epic Season Finales part 2: Manhattan

The years surrounding World War II are a fascinating time in U.S. and world history. Aside from the myriad of boots on the ground stories, this was a time for huge technological advancements. While on one hand, science was working to improve, simply, and advance the lives of citizens, science was also working out a way to destroy all human life in a large area in one fell swoop. Exciting times, no? Manhattan is the story of just one piece of this huge, atomic puzzle. It tells the story of the dozens of scientists sequestered out into the New Mexico desert trying to invent the first atomic bomb, also known as The Manhattan Project. The show focuses on a one core group of scientists under the watchful eye of Oppenheimer. The first season deals with the struggle behind figuring out how to make a bomb that would work, and the second season (which had its finale on Monday) dealt with the building and testing of bomb ending with that very first successful test and the mushroom cloud.

This show is mostly based on actual events though is embellished for dramatic effect. There are soviet spies, conspiracy, love, deception, murder, and most of all Science! This very quickly became one of the top shows in my household. While we're not super great at watching shows live, Manhattan is never on our DVR for more than a day. I am extremely emotionally invested in the lives of all of these characters and I cried at the end of the season finale. While the show is not getting a ton of attention now, I think it has the potential to be as big as and as good as "Boardwalk Empire."

My husband is a history nerd and I am not but we are both entirely obsessed with this show. Do yourself a favor and find a way to see this show. Torrent it if you have to. You will be (pardon the pun) blown away. Okay, that pun really hurt. In all seriousness, Frank and Liza Winters are my favorite tv power couple right now and they used science and insanity to burrow their way into my heart.

Okay, Spoilers ahead...


The season finale finds us on the day of the first atomic bomb test. It is pouring down rain but the military is stubborn and refuses to call it off. While one hand full of scientists is running around trying to make sure the test will come off without a hitch, another handful of scientists are separately plotting ways to sabotage the test either to stall the test until weather is more predictable or to cause the bomb to function abnormally killing those on the ground and sending a message to the U.S. military. While the viewer has known who the spies on the hill have been the entire season, their status as traders has just come to light among their colleagues.  There is an old saying in playwriting that if a gun is placed on a table in the first act, it must go off by the end of the third and as with all good writing, it does so in the way that is both the least expected and most heartbreaking.

The best kind of show is one in which none of the characters are actually evil, they just all have different ideas about what doing the right thing looks like. This show is an excellent example of this. While Dr. Winters (the physicist one) thinks that dropping the bomb on an uninhabited island is the best coarse of action, Dr. Winters (the biologist) doesn't think we should be dropping it on ANYTHING until we know what the ramifications for all living creatures within the fallout range first. Dr. Issaics embraces the idea of becoming the monster in the rest of the world's eyes in hopes that the fear of what our military is capable of will scare any possible uprisings into submission. With a problem as complicated as what to do with an atomic bomb, there can be no right answer and the consequences for every answer are astronomical. In the end, it doesn't actually matter what any of the scientists or double-agents think because the U.S. Military is going to do exactly as they please regardless.

I appreciate shows with a finite run capacity. This forces concise storytelling and strategic writing. If your main character is introduced as having terminal cancer in season one, it starts to get creepy if you let the show draw out too long. Same goes for historical event-based shows. If you have a team of scientists working to build Little Boy and Fat Man, at some point you have to have a mushroom cloud. I appreciate the urgent pace of "Manhattan," as it aids the idea that these scientists were being rushed for answers and feeling the pressure of the daily soldier death count on their shoulders. And sometimes when someone has that much pressure on them, there isn't time to look around and ask, "Is this even a good idea?"

Epic Season Finales part 1: Fargo

Two of my favorite shows on television had their season two finales within the last week and I haven't been able to stop thinking about them. If you haven't been watching "Fargo," on the FX Network and "Manhattan," on WGN you have been MISSING OUT on some of the best stuff available on television today. These shows are both intense, dramatic, and supremely well-made. Neither of these shows have been nominated for an Emmy this year, but I'm betting they'll be a shoe-in next year!

 

While the show is inspired by the 1996 Cohen Brothers gem, it is not a direct remake. Each season tells a gruesome story of murderous rampages that allegedly occurred in the great white northern regions of the United States during different periods of time. The first season featured Martin Freeman and Billy Bob Thornton and was set in the recent past of 2006. The season revolved around Freeman's character attempting to cover up the murder of his wife with the expert help of trained killer Thornton. Listening to Freeman attempt first an American accent and then a North Dakota accent was supremely entertaining.

Season two was set in the 1970s in Minnesota, North and South Dakota and features Kirsten Dunst as a somewhat off-kilter hairdresser with big dreams and big delusions and her husband, a butcher with humble dreams played by Jesse Plemons. When Dunst accidentally hits a man with her car on his way out of a murder scene, she decides that the only sensible thing to do is to drive all the way home with the man lodged in her windshield and do everything in her power to cover the whole thing up and pretend it never happened. This one small act of stupidity puts her and her husband in the middle of a bloody turf war between two rival gang families. 

Dunst's character Peggy uses her tenacity and stubborn desire to become her most actualized self to convince herself that this whole funny business with the murders is actually a positive step for her and her husband and it will break them out of their rut! Meanwhile, poor Ed (Plemons) just wants to save enough money to buy the butcher shop he's been working for but somehow gets roped into all of his wife's ridiculous schemes. 

This show is fast-paced, extremely multi-layered and keeps you on the edge of your seat from week to week. The characters are real and heart-felt and, since this show has an extremely high body count, it tugs at your heart every time one is gunned down. (Actually I'd like to see a body count comparison between a single season of "Game of Thrones," and a single season of "Fargo.") There is a hint of wtf? to the show but you'll have to watch to get that little tidbit. 

So now I have a year to eat Ho-Ho's, get a Farrah Fawcett blowout and practice my Minnesota accent to prefect my Peggy costume just before season 3 begins.

 

Week 7, Check-In

1. How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Have you used them to think about creative luxury for you? How has the experience been for you?
All of them! Hooray me! Mostly I've used the pages like a friend over coffee which is useful since I can't remember the last time I successful went out for hot beverages with a friend. It's a calming exercise.

2. Did you do your artist date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?
I did not. I didn't even make it to the gym this week.

3. Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?
The sketch book and pencils are staring me down. I will have time during my baking tomorrow.

4. Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recover?
I realized that I think this book is intended to be gone through during warm weather. It's hard to do the outdoorsy stuff when it has been raining for two weeks straight.

The Good Dinosaur

My mother's one request for the weekend of Thanksgiving was that the four of us (me, my husband, Mom, and Dad) all go together to see Pixar's newest film, "The Good Dinosaur." My mom is a self-proclaimed Disney fanatic and I... was raised by her so yeah, some of it rubbed off. I have always been endlessly impressed by Pixar's contribution to cinema and of course I was overjoyed that we got two Pixar movies this year for the first time ever!

"The Good Dinosaur," is about a world in which the meteor that killed off the dinosaurs actually missed allowing the prehistoric creatures to live for millions of years after they normally would have. With this longer planetary lifespan, the dinosaurs developed and advanced much the way humans do. The herbivores learn how to cultivate farms, the carnivores become ranchers, and the carrion birds become bizarre cult following crazies. It's a cute concept that was executed well however, the story beyond that is not especially original or groundbreaking. The runt in a family of Brontosauruses is struggling to prove his abilities and his worth to earn a place of honor within his family. Through the trials of this struggle, his father is killed and he is flung far away from his family's homestead. He befriends a pet-like humanoid creature and together they attempt to make their way home again.

The most extraordinary thing about this movie is the animated scenery. It is beyond gorgeous. It is precisely animated to the point of photo-realism. The mountain ranges, rivers, and trees are all just stunningly beautiful, it is unfortunately that it is the backdrop for such a mediocre movie.

My suggestion is to wait until it comes out on bluray and then watch it so you can see how incredibly far Pixar has come since that first Toy Story movie which had both feet firmly planted in uncanny valley.

Week 7 Writing Prompts

1. Find five pretty or interesting rocks.They can be small, constant reminders of your creative consciousness.
2. Pick five flowers or leaves. You may want to press them between wax paper and save them in a book.
It's too wet outside for this activity. 
 3. Throw out or give away five ratty pieces of clothing.
4. Bake something. Creativity doesn't always have a capital-A art. The act of cooking something can help you cook something up in another creative mode.
There will be so much baking done on Saturday! I'm looking forward to the smell of eggnog cake.
5. Send postcards to five friends.
6. Any new changes in your home environment? Make some!
We have a Christmas tree! And I have gotten all of the holiday decorations out.
7. Any new flow in your life? Say yes to freebies!
Saturday I get to work a phone drive with artsy people, do a bunch of baking, and have friends over for the annual Trucker Parade. Hopefully it won't rain.
8. Any change in your financial situation or your perspective on it? Any new ideas about what you would love doing?
I'm still planning to do some job hunting in January. For now, I am fine with the way things are. I still have the option to sell all my Polly Pockets.

Week 7, Money Madness, An Exercise

1. People with money are privileged.
2. Money makes people forgetful.
3. I'd have more money if I got regular work again.
4. My Dad thought money was to be saved for vacation.
5. My mom always thought money would keep her from getting bored with herself.
6. In my family, money caused joy because we were fervent savers and spent on long vacations.
7. Money equals comfort.
8. If I had money, I'd save it.
9. If I could afford it, I'd travel Europe.
10. If I had some money, I'd buy some new clothes.
11. I'm afraid that if I had money I 'd spend it frivolously.
12. Money is a necessary evil.
13. Money causes some people to forget how others live.
14. Having money is not necessarily the main goal.
15. In order to have more money, I'd need to get a job.
16. When I have money, I am usually pretty good about not over-spending.
17. I think money gets a bad rap.
18. If I weren't so cheap I'd probably be broke constantly.
19. People think money is the answer to everything.
20. Being broke tells me that there's something better out there for me.

Week 6, Check In

1. How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Are you starting to like them? How was the experience for you?
Well this was a weird one because this "week" was actually two weeks because of Thanksgiving. I didn't write Wednesday - Sunday and I didn't write this Friday - Sunday. Thanksgiving ate my brain and I was kind of exhausted. I am enjoying the morning pages but I just... didn't do them as much as I should have. I am being forgiving with myself and accepting that this is a reasonable time to not be on program. I know this will happen again with Christmas and when we go to Vegas in January.

2. Did you do your artist date this week? Have you had the experience of hearing answers during this leisure time? What did you do for your date? How did it feel? Have you taken an artist date yet that really felt adventurous?
I did! I went to the zoo with my parents. I spent a lot of time with the Red Pandas and my parents were very encouraging about the children's book about Masala. My artist dates have not been terribly adventurous. They're all around town and by myself. There really isn't anything I could do that would be super adventurous by myself here.

3. Did you experience any synchronicity this week?
I got a lot of encouragement about the Masala project. Some of it in the form of, "Yes you should do it!" others in the form of, "Why haven't you done this yet? DO IT ALREADY!"

4. Were there any other issues this week that you considered significant to your recovery?
I have to accept that holidays happen.

Week 6 Writing Prompts

1. The reason I can't really believe in a supportive God is... (list 5 reasons).
- That would require a belief in god. Full stop.
- Good things come to those who work hard.
- I believe I am responsible for all things in my life.
- It is nerve-wracking to think I'm not in control of my own destiny.
- It just seems too convenient of an excuse for those who are active writers to dismiss their success.

2. If I had either faith or money I would try... (list 5 desires).
- Self publishing.
- Writing a food themed travel guide.
- Spend a year in Europe.
-  Write a series of children's books.
- Write a cookbook.

3. List five imaginary lives.
- I am a cook book writer. I start as food blogger and from my blog am offered a book deal. My food is in thousands of homes.
- I am a jazz vocalist with a small following. I tour the US and people will gladly put me up on their couches and in their guest rooms.
- I am a baker and I get to bake love into my cookies every day.
- I am a wedding planner who helps brides keep calm and collected and have the best wedding day possible.
- I am a traveling poet. I take my typewriter on the road and earn a living with my words.

4. If you were twenty and had money... List five adventures.
- I'd backpack my way across Europe staying in hostels and couch surfing.
- I'd spend five years living in different cities for six months to a year each.
- I'd work with some sort of performance art troop.
- I'd live alone and dedicate my time to writing a book.
- I'd become a party planner and become the biggest version of myself.

5. If you were sixty-five and had money... List 5 postponed pleasures.
I'd live in a cabin in the woods.
I'd travel Europe and do lots of fancy things.
I'd become a museum docent at the Smithsonian.
I'd become a gentle yoga instructor.
I'd open my own library.

6. Ten ways I am mean to myself are...
I second-guess my decisions.
I tell myself I'm not especially good at anything.
I don't let myself try for fear of failure.
I assume if I do well, it is because someone better just forgot to show.
I talk myself out of wanting things.

7. Ten items I would like to own that I don't are...
1. To own our own home

2. For our home to have a big front porch.

3. And this kitchen.

4. This bathtub.

5. This library.

6. And a room these colors.

7. I'd like this watch which shows the planetary alignment.

8.

9.

10.

8. Honestly, my favorite creative block is...
Overreading! I've read 75 books this year.

9. My payoff for staying blocked is...
I've read 75 books sounds a whole lot more impressive than I started writing a little.

10. The person I blame for being blocked is...
Myself.

Week 6, Wish List Exercise

1. I wish I were a better dancer.
2. I wish I could dedicate myself to things harder so I could improve.
3. I wish I felt more independent right now.
4. I wish I felt like I was meeting my potential.
5. I wish I could find more direction in my life.
6. I wish I felt more of a purpose.
7. I wish I had majored in something different in college.
8. I wish I didn't have food allergies.
9. I wish twins and miscarriages didn't run in my family.
10. I wish I wrote on my blog more.
11. I wish I were a better knitter.
12. I wish I were graceful even in the slightest.
13. I wish I could just learn things on my own without the pressure of someone watching.
14. I wish someone would just tell me what I'm good at and should do.
15. I wish could draw.
16. I wish I were more flexible.
17. I wish I were a more social person.
18. I wish I were more outgoing.
19. I most especially wish to feel fulfilled.

Week 6: Forbidden Joys Exercise

List ten things you love and would love to do but are not allowed to do.

1. Join dance classes.
2. Commit myself entirely to yoga.
3. Travel around Europe for an extended period of time.
4. Wear more plaid.
5. Take an astronomy class.
6. Get over my fear of motorcycles.
7. Write a letter to a former employer to tell her my firing was bullshit.
8. Shave part of my head.
9. Get chickens.
10. Buy a small house in the woods.

Week 6: The Virtue-Trap Quiz

1. The biggest lack in my life is the feeling of purpose or direction.
2. The greatest joy in my life is getting to seek adventure with my best friend.
3. My largest time commitment is assisting with my husband's store.
4. As I play more, I work more joyfully.
5. I feel guilty that I am not living up to my full potential.
6. I worry that if I don't commit more time to my ideas, they will leave me.
7. If my dreams come true, my family will support me.
8. I sabotage myself so people will feel that I am committed to their cause.
9. If I let myself feel it, I am angry that I have lost my sense of direction.
10. One reason I am sad sometimes is because I don't feel like I am living independently enough.

Mockingjay: Part 2

First and foremost, I am a big "Hunger Games," fan. I gobbled all the books, I've loved all the movies, I made my dad and my husband read the books. You don't have to convince me. I enjoyed "Mockingjay: Part 2." I have felt that the movies have all been fairly close to the books though I know it would be impossible to be exact. These are young adult books and they are not all that long and still they contain enough source material that the last book was split into two movies. I feel like the movie split was somewhat of a disservice to that last book. The story is so engaging and nuanced, it was easy to forget all the parts and pieces that went into Katniss' relationship with Coin and the hallow, terrifying look in Peeta's eyes while he was under Snow's control. I did enjoy that Part 2 picked up right where Part 1 left off. There weren't any opening credits, no fanfare. There was a title card and then we're back in that hospital room with Peeta and Katniss. This was good for reemerson into the story but was not helpful in that the teenage girls in the theater thought they had another minute or two to finish their conversations and and to text their boyfriends who didn't want to go see this girl movie.

I have to say, this was a very strange theater to sit in. We go to a theater that doesn't get a ton of foot traffic. On a typical Friday night, opening weekend of most movies, the main theater will be maybe half full. This particular Friday, opening weekend for Mockingjay, the theater was almost at capacity and there were maybe 15 males in the entire place. It was entirely full of high school girls. There was a goddamn sisterhood of traveling pants occurring in that theater. Whenever one of the characters was killed, a wash of "Awwwwwww," swept over the theater. My husband and I laughed as silently as possible every time that happened. I'm a Hunger Games fan but they were collectively The Revolution. The FELT IT. And then there was the kid behind me who, throughout the entire movie, yelled out what was going to happen right before it happened. I mean yes, I get it. We've all read the fracking books and we know what will happen. Please stop telling us, you're pulling us out of the cinematic experience. And please tell your girlfriend to stop saying she's gonna like, totally kill herself if such and such happens. Please stop! Okay, I admit I just hate seeing movies with other people... ever.

I appreciated the way the movie treated the relationship between Peeta and Katniss though I wish there would have been more, "Real or not real?" dialogue as I felt that was the thing that brought them back together in the book. I do understand that the movie could not be forever long, though I would have stayed for the whole thing if it had been. Watching the victors battle their way through District One was totally engrossing and nearly perfect. The sets were beautiful and the action felt real. One thing I have always loved about these movies is their ability to grab you by your heart strings and not let go. This film did not disappoint.

The only thing I did not like about this movie was the ending. Yes, I know it was true to the book and had the little epilogue where Katniss and Peeta live in their district's Victor's Village very nearly alone with their kidlets running through the fields that Katniss and Gale used to hunt in. I feel like the movie would have been better if they had ended with Peeta and Katniss lying in bed together and Peeta asking, "You love me. Real or not real?" That is a sweet, beautiful ending and I think everyone would be totally satisfied with that but instead we got an internal monologue of Katniss congratulating herself that her children will never know the fear and pain she lived through and they will never be forced to hunt another child. Yes, Katniss and Peeta are heroes but it just doesn't feel natural for Katniss to be patting herself on the back.

Overall, an enjoyable movie and a totally satisfying ending to this franchise. I will gladly watch all of these movies again.

Check in, Week 5

1. How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was this experience for you?
I wrote my morning pages every day this week! I didn't always do them in the actual morning but i did them and I am better for it. I have found the pages to be very useful and calming. It is absolutely a part of my day and if I haven't gotten to them yet, it nags at me until I do.

2. Did you do your artist's date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?
Yesterday I went to the Pierson holiday shop to look at all of the Christmas ornaments and decorations as well as all of the local foods and gifts for people like me who put together special local foods gift baskets. I spent at least half an hour looking over every individual item and enjoying all the bright colors and delicious looking foods. I wandered through their outdoor nursery and looked at trees and potted plants. I enjoyed the little pond and the landscaping that went into making the nursery look inviting. In the end, I bought a Christmas tree ornament that looks like a potato. I enjoyed seeing all of the people, excited for the holidays and anticipating the gifts they were going to give and receive. This far in advance, the only people looking at christmas things are those who are truly excited about the holidays. It's a sweet and uplifting feeling. Also, it is pre-Black Friday so the employees are not too exhausted yet. This is why I like to get my holiday shopping early. I like for it to be a good experience for those working as well as for myself.

3. Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?
I've been looking for a writing project that will captivate my attention and I found two! One is a science fiction story about a robot wife who does not realize she is a robot and so is somewhat bewildered by the way her husband treats her and her lack of memories. Secondly, the Red Panda Masala at our local zoo escaped and was missing for nearly three days. The zookeepers are unsure what she was up to over the course of those three days and I thought it would be such fun to write a children's book about Masala's adventures over the time she was missing.

4. Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Describe them. 
I realized that I am very sensitive emotionally while I am writing. Empathetic stress can cause me to shut down and not be able to focus on my writing. It's like that part of my brain gets switched off. It's a problem.

Week 5 Writing Prompts, part 2

2. Time Travel: Describe yourself at eighty. What did you do after fifty that you enjoyed? Be very specific. Now write a letter from you at eighty to you at your current age. What would you tell yourself? What interests would you urge yourself to pursue? What dreams would you encourage?
       At 80, I'll probably live alone in a small house or apartment. I'll volunteer at the local library and the local NPR station. I'll have joined a choir again. I'll have a close knit group of older women that I will try to convince to go traveling with me all the time. Maybe I'll have some sort of skill that I can teach to children in an after school program. Maybe a children's choir. Maybe very low budget theater. Maybe knitting. Maybe something I haven't learned how to do yet! I will probably be one of many little old ladies in my town who have taken to dying their hair bright, outrageous colors. Maybe we'll have hair dying parties like we did in college.
     My favorite thing about being 50 was all the time I got to spend with my husband. We both retired and spent our summers driving all over the U.S.  and our winters either with our daughter or in Europe. I finally took that dance class with him that he promised before we were married. We did everything hand in hand just as we always have. Life was such a wonderful adventure.

Dear 28-year-old me,
Stop worrying. It's okay that you don't know what to do with your life. You're so young and you have so much of your life ahead of you. I know you feel like you're stuck between places at the moment, but the adventure is just about to begin. Be patient with yourself and your husband. You will find your path and it will be glorious. Keep your head up, keep writing, and don't resist trying something for fear of looking silly. Just as in all things on life, 50% of success is just showing up. Keep moving and stretching. Yoga will keep your body strong and your creative work will keep your brain sharp. Don't be afraid to try new things and meet new people. Say YES!

Love,
Future You

3. Time Travel: Remember yourself at eight. What did you like to do? What were your favorite things? Now write a letter from you at eight to you at your current age. What would you tell yourself?
Let's see, age eight. That would be second or third grade. Second grade was one of my favorite grades in elementary school. I had Mrs. Boyd and she was an amazing older lady. She had been teaching for a long time and she knew how to ignite fascination in her students. That year, I loved reading for the first time. Sure, I had always loved books but my first grade teacher had made me feel like reading was hard, frustrating work. That year I got in trouble for reading when I should have been doing other work. That is a passion that has remained inside of me my entire life. That year Mrs. Boyd also got me interested in impressionist art. I became fascinated with Van Gogh and Monet and the dream of traveling to France to visit Monet's garden was first planted in my brain. I was very small for my age but I enjoyed playing outside with my friends and riding my bike around the neighborhood. My best friend was Jennifer Car and I had a crush on Gary.

Dear 28-year-old me,
Wow, you're old! You're like a grownup! What made you decide to move so far away? I bet mom and dad miss you. Why haven't you seen Monet's garden yet? Isn't that your biggest goal still? You sure have done a lot of neat things in your life! I am surprised by the way you turned out but I am happy. It doesn't matter what you do with your life as long as you are true to yourself and you are happy. Be your own person and keep exploring. What good books do I have to look forward to? When are you going to France? You should go now! Oh, maybe not NOW now but as soon as the state of emergency is over.

Love,
Tiny You

4. Environment: Look at your house. Is there any room that you could make into a secret, private space for yourself? Convert the tv room? Buy a screen or hang a sheet and cordon off a section of some other room? This is your dream area. It should be decorated for fun and not as an office. 
 With a whole lot of work and dedication, I could convert the basement into a secret hidey hole though that isn't my favorite environment. It's cold and damp down there and you can't really see outside. I've somewhat taken over the kitchen table as my own personal domain. It's a great spot with space for me to spread out. The kitchen gets really magnificent lighting and I can see a good chunk of my neighborhood. The kitchen is also the home to all the delicious foods and my tea kettle. My kitchen table is one of the places I feel most comfortable in my house currently. I am looking forward to when we buy a new home in the next year or so. I am looking forward to hopefully laying claim to a room to turn into an actual office since what was our office, is now the Mess Room.

5. Write your own artist's prayer.
Oh Brain, dear Brain,
Please do not forsake me.
You and I both know that you are capable of writing today if only you were more willing.
The world can be a dark and chilly place but please take all that hurt and make it something beautiful.
We do not have many gifts to give the world but we only need one.
Put pen to paper and use the laptop for more than internet browsing.
Bring light to the darkness of our heart.
Let us write.
Let us begin.

6. An extended artist's date: Plan a small vacation for yourself.
I would like to take 8-year-old me's advise and make my way to France so I can eat delicious foods and spend at least a full day in Monet's garden. I can start preparing for this trip by starting to tuck away money once I'm done with holiday shopping. I would like to get to France before we have a baby.

7.  Look at one situation in your life that you feel you should change but haven't yet. What is the payoff from staying stuck?
I know I need to start a regular cardio workout routine and I just haven't. I keep planning to stay after my yoga class and do a little bit of time on the treadmill or eliptical but I haven't done it yet. After yoga, it is so easy to just go home and watch tv and have a snack. I need to convince my brain that it can still watch tv and have a snack after some cardio. 

Week 5 Writing Prompts

1. Environment: Describe your ideal environment. One paragraph. What's your favorite season? Why? 
It is unclear if they are talking about writing environment or just environment in general. I prefer cooler climates. The Pacific Northwest is my very favorite region. Any coastal town between Humboldt County and Northern Washington is where I like to be. I like having the option to wear layers and I don't even mind when my nose and ears get cold. I like the cool, clean, moist air and the ability to see two natural wonders at once. (Namely the ocean and the redwood forest.) My ideal home would be in a somewhat wooded area and have just a ridiculous number of windows overlooking trees and (hopefully) ocean. My writing room would be small and cozy with warm gray walls and a bright pop of color on the ceiling. My writing desk would be pushed against a large window so I could observe my surroundings while I wrote. My writing room would have at least one wall of floor to ceiling book cases and several comfortable chairs. I would also have several floor lamps and tea tables. Honestly, this just sounds like a room I would only ever leave to sleep, cook, or acquire more tea. It sounds like a dream. This also sounds like what my loft would look like if I were to live alone. My home would have a large, well-lit kitchen with an island in the center for prep and for eating at. I would more than likely spend all of my time either in the kitchen or in my writing room. I would like my home to have a backyard. Doesn't need to be anything too huge. I just want a little space where I can have a garden and maybe a couple chickens.

My favorite season is autumn. I love feeling the weather start to cool off and watching the leaves change. Autumn also has a lot of my favorite foods. Squashes and spiced things and the emergence of peppermint everything. I like being able to wear sweaters and cuddle under blankets. I like anticipating the changes in the weather. The rains are just starting to come and people aren't sick of the rain yet. It's a wonderful time when everything seems clean and crisp. The sweat and the grit from the summer is washed away and it feels like a new beginning.

Buried Dreams, An Exercise week 5

1. List five hobbies that sound fun.
 Ballet, calligraphy, crocheting, aerial silks, book making.

2. List five classes that sound fun.
Astronomy, Italian, baking, basketweaving, opera.

3. List five things you personally would never do that sound fun.
Stage magic, trans-atlantic sailing, contortion, go-go dancing, party planning.

4. List five skills that would be fun to have.
Fluency in another language, a musical instrument of some kind, one really impressive ice skating move, that cherry stem thing, identifying all the constellations.

5. List five things you used to enjoy doing.
Singing in a choir, ice skating, performing in community theater, making mix tapes.

6. List five silly things you would like to try once.
Fire walking, sky diving, guided meditation, martial arts, roasting a whole animal in my yard.

Week 4 Check In

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was the experience? If you skipped a day, why?
I wrote all seven days! Which is the first time I've done that! Husband being out of town means my Sunday is my own so yay! All seven days! I am enjoying the morning pages more. It has become a thing I do every day and I like that.

Did you do your artist date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?
I did have an artist date. It was my whole day yesterday. I went to Arcata for the farmer's market. I love looking around at all the seasonal veggies. We're kind of out of fruit season except for persimmons, apples, and pears so now it's mostly veggies and meat. Hot peppers seam to be in season right now. For some reason, I find it odd that hot peppers become ripe when it is colder outside. For some reason, I assumed they would ripen in the summer. That's really dumb logic but so it goes. After I did my grocery shopping, I did a little holiday shopping. Plaza Design is one of my favorite stores to just look around in. They have some fantastic little knick knacks but I hardly ever buy anything. Yesterday I bought things. I bought two really beautiful lotus flower candle holders for Marsha, a magnetic egg timer for me that seems to work really well, and some reusable bags to put the holiday food gifts in. Actual physical baskets are expensive and I know most people of a certain age just have a room that has been entirely taken over by baskets. I'd rather get them something actually useful, like a reusable shopping bag! After my adventures in Plaza Design, I hit the other adorable little shops around the Plaza.

I really enjoy the playful nature of looking in chatchki shops you have no intention of buying things in. I love imagining the life I would lead that would include this little table or that cocktail shaker.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?
I had an actual idea for a short story this week. I'm going to start working on it tomorrow. That feels pretty good.

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recover? 
I feel like this week was positive. I wrote more than I had to. Any time I can willingly do more than the bare minimum of what will make me happy with myself, it's a good thing.

Week 4 Writing Prompt, Part 3

3. List five childhood accomplishments. List five favorite childhood foods. Buy yourself one of them this week.
- Perfect Attendance
- National Honor Roll elementary school through high school
- performing with accomplished pianist David Benoit
- lots of top reader awards
- first place in photography at the county fair with the very first photo I ever took.

4.  Take a look at your habits. Many of them may interfere with your self-nurturing and cause shame. Some of the oddest things are self-destructive. List three obvious rotten habits. What's the payoff of continuing them? List three of your subtle foes. What use do these forms of sabotage have? Be specific.
- I do the internet loss of productivity loop way too often.
- I will opt out of gym night super easily.
- If anyone is around, I will refuse to write.
There's an instant gratification associated with all of these things. There's zero longterm benefits which I think is entirely the point.
-Twitter. If my phone goes off or I get an email, that will always be the priority over what I'm writing.
- Weirdly I think reading may be a subtle foe to my writing productivity. Because I see it as a positive activity, I feel okay about reading instead of writing.
- Family Public Relations. Finalizing the Christmas card list in mid-November is more important than writing!

5.  Make a list of friends who nurture you. Which of their traits, particularly, serve you well?
- Kelsey because she is a strong, ambitious, and creative woman who wants to see other women succeed.
- Chris because he loves that I write. He wants me to become more ambitious with my writing and try to be more daring.
- Angela because she is the creative person other creative people want to be. She supports herself on her creative work, has her own publication company. She creates often and gets lots of people involved with her work. She has a fiery determination.

6. List five people you admire. Now list five people you secretly admire. What traits do these people have that you can cultivate further in yourself?
- Amanda Palmer
- Neil Gaiman
- Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Marian Call
- JK Rowling

- Felicia Day
- Hannah Hart
- Sarah Silverman
- Anna Kendrick
- Chris Hardwick

These are all people who have managed to make a living doing something they absolutely love. They often have a somewhat niche audience but they have found that audience and that audience has decided to support them whole-heartedly. By making positive and healthy decisions for themselves about life, they have cultivated their best self. I need to find my best self. My best self needs to stop checking her goddamn email all the time.

7. List five people you wish you had met who are dead. Now, list five people who are dead whom you'd like to hang out with for a while in eternity. What traits do you find in these people that you can look for in your friends?
- Elliot Smith
- Kurt Cobain
- Anthony Burgess
- Douglas Adams
- Orson Welles

I don't really understand the whole "hang out in eternity" thing. Are they the dead people who I wish I could invite to dinner? It'd have to be the list above, probably.  Smith and Cobain are both highly creative, genius-like musicians who ended their own lives. I am interested in what it is like to be a "tortured artist," because that is not an experience I (thankfully) have. Burgess, Adams, and Welles were highly creative people who lived good long lives and had the opportunity to experience how the world reacted to their work. I am interested to know how hearing and seeing the reactions of fans and critics may have impacted their work and their lives. Was it a struggle to work again after a bad review? If something did well, did they try to make more like that thing?

I think it helps that I am friends with a lot of musicians and creative people. I think I need to have more discussions with my creative friends to see how their creative work impacts the rest of their life and how presenting their work in a public arena has impacted their work.

Week 4 Writing Prompts, Part 2

1. Describe your childhood room. What was your favorite thing about it? What's your favorite thing about your room right now?
We moved when I was in fourth grade so I will describe both of my rooms. My room in Palmdale was in the furthest front corner of the house. My parents were always a little uncomfortable that my bedroom window was in the front of the house because there was very little between me and the outside world. I am an only child so I spent a lot of my time in my room. I believe the walls were white and the carpet was tan. My parents bought the house new so there were thick carpet pads which made the carpet very comfortable to sit on. I had little hammocks in two corners of the room where my stuffed animals lived. I suppose they weren't terribly high up but I was small so they seemed high to me. I had a doll house that I purchased with my own money. It was my prized possession for many years. I believe my parents still have that dollhouse and when I have a kid, it will come out of storage.

My room in Santa Clarita shared a wall with the garage. This means that there was a fence and a garage between me and the outside world. I think my parents were much more comfortable with that. The closest doors had mirrors on them which I found to be quite novel. I'm not sure if there had been a mirror in my other room, I may have had to go into the bathroom or my parents room to look in the mirror. My room was white for quite awhile though one year while I was away at summer camp, my mom repainted my whole room light blue with little clouds and gold stars. I was totally shocked but I loved it. I had a little desk that I've always felt was too small for me that I'd try to do my homework at. I spent a lot of time reading on the floor or my bed. The room is fairly small so there wasn't really any exposed wall space. I did have a big round popasain chair when I was older because reading sitting on the floor wasn't cutting it. That house was a repo house. The previous tenants had trashed the place. So while the carpet was new, it was very thin and cheap. My parents have lived in that house nearly twenty years now and it's the same carpet mostly because it is too much of a pain in the ass to replace it.

The thing I liked most about my bedroom as a kid was that it could very easily be my entire world. I could shut myself up in their for hours and play and read and listen to music. Sometimes it felt like as long as I'm in my room, no one can hear what I'm doing and no one would bother me.

My favorite thing about my bedroom now is that I get to share it with my husband. Even though we aren't cuddlers, I love falling asleep knowing that he's right beside me. I also love the bookshelves in our room. All of our books that we have yet to read, standing side by side, smiling down on us as we sleep.

2. Describe five traits you liked in yourself as a child.
- I liked that I was creative.
- I liked that I didn't care if people knew how much I liked books. (Used to hide in the library on my lunch and recess.)
- I liked that I was recognized as one of the smart kids.
- I liked that my mom volunteered to help all the time.
- I liked that most of my friends were boys.
 

Week 4 Writing Prompt, Part 1

Free Association

1. My favorite childhood toy was Honey.
2. My favorite childhood game was Pretty, Pretty Princess.
3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was "Beauty and the Beast."
4. I don't do it much, but I enjoy spinning poi.
5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself be more social.
6. If it weren't too late, I'd learn another language well.
7. My favorite musical instrument is the cello.
8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is maybe $50 though probably less.
9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I would buy her so many amazing pens.
10. Taking time out for myself is necessary. Saturday is my day.
11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming, I will find things are far out of my reach.
12. I secretly enjoy reading everything.
13. If I had had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be exactly the same. I would have tried to be an astronaut but I recently learned I am too short.
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write a science fiction novel.
15. My parents think artists are fascinating.
16. My God thinks artists are.... I don't have a God so there isn't a way to answer this question.
17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is the idea that I could actually create something that someone else would like.
18. Learning to trust myself is probably something I should definitely be doing now while I am young.
19. My most cheer-me-up music is The Smiths right now... which I guess is a little odd. Marian Call and Rufus Wainwright as well.
20. My favorite way to dress is feminine but comfortable.

Movie Review: Spectre

I typically enjoy spy movies. I like the classy outfits, the awesome cars, action, frivolous love, adventure, intelligent villains, I love it! I love the thrill of it! This movie, Spectre, I did not love. My husband on the other hand totally adored this movie. He said it was a perfect throw-back to the 1960s Bond movies and seemed to love all the things about the movie that I disliked.

This movie was ridiculous. You know those spy movie spoofs where someone sneezes wrong and it triggers a MASSIVE EXPLOSION!!!!!!! Yeah, that was this movie. Everything blew up, twice. Which normally, sure fine whatever but it just took itself so seriously while it did it. Also, the chase scenes were ridiculous. At one point I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling, "You can't fly an airplane as if it were a sports car!!!!!" at the screen. Cars were drowned for no reason, planes were de-winged, helicopter engines were stalled, average citizens in Fiats were pushed to ridiculous speeds, parked cars were flattened. Excessive, entirely unnecessary.

One of my very favorite thing about Bond movies are the villains. They're always incredibly smart, driven individuals with loads of money and technology to burn and the single-minded desire to destroy James Bond. Christopher Waltz certainly delivered in that regard. His desert compound was lavish and crewed by hundreds of men in matching outfits but Bond defeated him too easily. There was no struggle. There was a couple moments of discomfort but nothing a top British spy couldn't handle.

There are two things that really bug me about this movie, I think. The first thing is that my favorite parts of the movie's trailer did not actually make it into the movie. When the Evil League of Evil capture Bond and explain to him that the connection they all shared was him and he looks all horrified, that bit didn't happen. When you see Bond's name added with spray paint to a list of names of those deceased, it seems like a big dramatic thing in the trailer. In reality, it was just some shitty directions of where Mr. Bond was to be taken to meet the big boss. Not dramatic at all and it allows Bond to kill his captors and go find the big boss on his own.

The second thing that bugged me was that James Bond usually comes off as very suave and charming in the other movies. He seems like a person women are drawn to because he is so charismatic. This movie was not like that. He just came off as a bully and somewhat of a dick the entire time. The love story made zero sense because he was such a total jerk to his "love interest" the whole time and she was pretty hostile herself and then suddenly, "But James, I love you!" Bullshit. I got so sick of him bullying Q into giving him what he wants without considering the risks that Q has to endure because of Bond's actions. The entire movie has him gallivanting around flipping the bird to absolutely everyone and honestly, just making things worse.

This movie made me sit for a moment and think that maybe 007 movies aren't for me... and then I realized that I've liked the previous ones and this one stands on its own in its mediocrity. I feel like Daniel Craig is super over this role and I'm glad he is retiring from it. This may be a controversial opinion, but I would love to see Daniel Radcliffe in the role.

Week 3 Check In

- How many days this week did you do morning pages? How do they make you feel? What do you find yourself getting from them?

I didn't write over the weekend, but I I have done morning pages every day this week. I find myself looking forward to doing them. It has become part of my day. It has become the way I process the day before. My hand doesn't cramp up uncontrollably anymore! I find myself getting a sense of calm from the pages. I like the lack of formality. I like that they aren't for anyone but me. I like knowing that I probably won't read them again and neither will anyone else. I can vent, I can think about recipes, I can plan for the holidays, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that the pages are full and I can move on with my day. 





- Did you go on an artist's date this week? What did you do?
 



I did go on an artist's date this week but it was somewhat of an accident. I had made plans to have coffee with a former co-worker. He had sent me a message on Facebook saying he had had a wildly inappropriate dream about me and would I like to meet him for coffee sometime? Who can turn down an offer like that? *eye roll* So I don't have a lot going on and I am always morbidly curious about these sorts of things so I basically yelled, "I'M MARRIED," at him and then said sure. I'd be fun to catch up and really just see what this is all about. I texted a friend and asked, "Oh a scale from 1 to Charles Manson, how unstable is this person?" My friend ranked him at a 5. That's well within reason. Fives are handleable. So it is my opinion that whoever asks for the hangout should be the one to pick the place and time. I tell him what day will work for me and he gives me the place and time. Awesome! I can walk there and it is a pretty high-traffic area just in case. I have no idea what to expect. I show up five minutes early at our destination coffee and chocolate shop and order a peppermint hot cocoa because peppermint is better than pumpkin spice in every conceivable way. I take my delicious drink and find a table where I can sit with my back to the wall and see the front counter and I wait. At ten after, I realize that he probably isn't coming. This is fine. I have a delicious drink, I can people watch, I have a book, the sun is shining. This is now a date with myself. At twenty after, I finished my drink and he still didn't show so I left. I took a slow walk through old town and enjoyed the cool, crisp air.

- Were there other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery?

I decided not to do any of the exercises this week and try to just write on my own. I was semi-successful. This week marks the start of National Novel Writing Month and I am glad to already have more than 5000 words under my belt. Yes, I know this is below average but I am fine with that. I'm not going to break my neck trying to get word count. This is about the process for me right now. I want to make myself comfortable with writing again, I don't need to burn myself out in the process. I have also just realized that I will still be doing The Artist's Way the week of Christmas and I have accepted that I will not be writing while we are out of town. It just isn't worth the headache and we'll have too much other stuff going on. I'll jump back to it when we return home.

Steven Universe

A couple months ago, my DVR died and I lost everything that I had recorded (which was a lot) and I lost the list of shows that it was scheduled to automatically record. I had become content with my tv schedule. I didn't have to think about what I wanted to watch. Like clockwork, my shows, his shows, and our shows would just appear on the list and we'd work our way through them. When the DVR died, I had a little bit of a mental block. I couldn't remember what I watched. It just appeared, I didn't have to put mental effort into it. Sure, there were my short seasoned competition shows that I knew (I would like to say that I only watch reality tv that requires a skill. "So You Think You Can Dance," "Project Runway," "Master Chef Junior," and "The Great British Bake Off," namely. Okay, I watch "Sister Wives," also.) but other than that, *shrug*. So I threw it out to my Facebook friends. "Friends, what shows do I watch?" I got a variety of suggestions, "Mr. Robot," "Diners, Drive Ins and Dives," "Rick and Morty," and "Steven Universe." Some of these shows I kept, some I did not.

"Steven Universe," is one of the shows I kept. Actually, I think I only kept the cartoons. At first, the thing that drew me in about this show was that the episodes were short. Sure, I could spend ten minutes watching a goofy little boy have adventures with his friends. I soon found myself picking Steven over some of my other shows because it was a sweet and sincere show that was not centered around violence and was just so warm and fuzzy. While a lot of "kids" television is not inherently violent, it is not exactly loving either. Characters are not often emotionally sincere with each other and real emotions are not often dealt with. While many of the episodes are adventure-based, they are also emotionally-based. When Connie fights the gem shards in her mother's hospital, it isn't just about Connie's amazing sword skills, it was about Connie and her mother trusting each other more.

I love that a show like this is appealing to children today. I believe by showing an non-binary family structure coming together to support this little boy who is not exactly the smartest kid, but definitely the most enthusiastic, will make kids find these relationships to be normal. Yes, Garnet is two lesbian gems fused together in love, Amethyst is somewhat butch, Pearl is fastidious, and Greg is... a human man... they all love Steven and work together to keep him happy and safe. I appreciate seeing a show like this on the air. I love seeing that the people who are creating television for young children today feel the immense responsibility that lies in their hands. Kids take what they see on tv and apply it to their lives. If they see a family structure they aren't used to and can see that it is just as good as their own family, this will spill into their life. I look forward to meeting the "Steven Universe," generation.

The Leftovers

Has there ever been a tv show in your life or maybe even a movie, in which you feel like you are the only person on the planet who knows about it, watches it, and enjoys it? With the immense connectivity we experience now through the internet, I don't think this is something that happens too much anymore. You can usually tell who your people are and you feel a sense of community surrounding Your show.

"The Leftovers," is a show that I always feel like I am consuming in a void. I know three other people who watch this show. That's it. Three. And none of them live near me. One of those people is my cousin and she works at HBO so I think she HAS to watch! I think that's part of her contract. I think she may have been in danger by not being totally into "Game of Thrones." So yeah, as far as I can tell, there are exactly four people in the world who watch, "The Leftovers," but somehow this seclusion makes me feel closer to this show. I identify more with the characters because I have no one to talk to about this show!

For the entire rest of the world who has NOT seen the amazing force of nature that is, "The Leftovers," it is a show on HBO about a global phenomena in which in an instant, 140 million people world-wide vanish into thin air. Wherever they were, whatever they were doing, they are just gone. If they were driving a car, the car probably crashes into something, if they were holding groceries, you've got broken eggs all over the sidewalk, if they were having sex, their partner is now traumatized for life. No one knows where they went or why those people are suddenly gone. Those who vanished become known as "the departed," and the rest of the world tries desperately to try to understand what this all means for those still on earth and how exactly they aren't meant to continue their lives.

Some turn to religious cults. A new fanatic group known as The Guilty Remnant emerge with the view that it didn't mean anything and everyone is just wasting their breath trying to make sense of it all. They dress all in white and continuously chain-smoke for reasons that were never really fully explained. Possibly to show devotion, possibly to show the fragility of life to begin with.

The show focuses on a couple families in one particular town. Kevin Garvy is the chief of police, his wife has joined the Guilty Remnant, his son has followed a messiah figure named Wayne into the desert, and his daughter is a confused and angry teenager. Nora Durst's husband and two kids were departed mid-conversation from her breakfast table. She hires prostitutes to shoot her in the chest while she's wearing a bullet proof vest so she can feel something.

The show is twisted and sometimes confusing. It plays on the fine line between clear, rational thinking and utterly insane hallucinations. It shows how incredibly fragile the human psyche is and how utterly incapable humans are of dealing with tragic circumstances they have no way of rationalizing. The characters are unable to accept that the departure is just something that happened without any rhyme or reason. As humans, we must always tell ourselves a story to make sense of things we do not understand.

I find this show to be both incredibly unsettling on a weekly basis and also very intriguing and comforting. None of these characters are perfect. They are all extremely screwed up individuals and that makes them more lovable. They are just doing the best that they can to survive.

The fact that no one is watching this show is the most disturbing thing to me. Didn't Andy Sandberg give everyone access to an HBO Go account during the Emmy's this year? You could be watching this show for free and you aren't! What a loss for you. Please watch this show so they will continue making it for me and the three other people who love it.

Week 2 Check In

- How many days this week did you do morning pages? How do they make you feel? What do you find yourself getting from them?

I have done morning pages every day this week. However, I am unsure if I will do them over the weekend. My parents are staying with us this weekend and I don't know if I can get them in before they come in for breakfast in the morning. Yes, this is a cop out. I don't do my pages on Sunday anyway.

The pages have become very easy. They feel good. My hand doesn't even cramp up that much anymore which is good. I have found that my hand cramps even less if I have done yoga the night before. Positive reinforcement for both activities!

I have been getting more introspective with the pages. They have been helping me work through some things mentally. It's easier to play out a scenario on the page to see how I actually feel about something and how probable a particular outcome may be. It also helps me decide if certain routes are worth my time. It is a very useful tool.

- Did you go on an artist's date this week? What did you do?

I went to two different book shops and gazed lovingly at the spines. I also went to a bead shop to look at the colorful beads and also get a couple necklaces repaired.

- Were there other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? 

My biggest hurdle is myself. I need to become more diligent. 

Week 2 Writing Prompts, Part 2

- Read back over the affirmations from week one. Have they caused any sort of reaction?

I am continuously kicking myself in my own ass. I have ten weeks left of "The Artist's Way," and I have been resisting so damn hard. My affirmations say that even if I don't write all the time, I'm still a writer. That is a really easy phrase for my brain to manipulate. What it does not seem to understand is that I at least need to be a writer sometimes!
 
- Return to your list of imaginary lives from last week. Add five more lives. 

- I am a ballet dancer. I am graceful, balanced, and disciplined. I definitely don't move like one of the hippos in Fantasia. I am one of the ostriches.
- I am a baker. I don't make fancy decorated cakes, but I make really delicious breads, pies, pastries, and cupcakes. I am often told my food tastes like home.
- I am the mother of a little girl. We play dress-up and make believe. We bake cookies and draw pictures for daddy. We have a little garden where we are trying to grow pumpkins.
- I am a singer. I have a little folk band and we tour little fairs and harvest festivals.
- I am a high school health teacher. I give the kids the actual information about their bodies they deserve and encourage them to inform themselves.

-  Ten Tiny Changes: List ten changes you'd like to make for yourself, from the significant to the small. Do it like this: "I would like to _____."As the morning pages nudge us increasingly into the present, where we pay attention to our current lives, a small shift like a newly painted bathroom can yield a luxuriously large sense of self-care.

- I'd like to learn to make pie dough.
- I'd like to make my own raviolis.
- I'd like to buy a new car.
- I'd like to own a house.
- I'd like to see the world with my husband.
- I'd like to bake more.
- I'd like to figure out what I want to be when I "grow up."
- I'd like to have a room with a chartreuse ceiling.
- I'd like to have the patience to garden.
- I'd like to do a handstand in yoga. (Just once.)

- Select one small item and make it a goal this week. 

I will bake this week.

- Now actually do it. 

Last night I baked a loaf of pumpkin challah bread. The last time I baked was two months ago. The last time I made bread was at least a year ago. This was a new recipe I had never tried before. It took a few hours but I was patient with it and it turned out lovely! I will probably use that recipe again. I think it could be easy to make one day every week or two "bread night."

Week 2 Writing Prompts

- Where does your time go? List your five major activities this week. How much time did you give to each one? Which were what you wanted to do and which were shoulds? How much of your time is spent helping others and ignoring your own desires? Have any of your (creatively) blocked friends triggered doubts in you?

I know a lot of my day is not necessarily spent wisely. I spend a good deal of time playing on the internet and generally trying to avoid whatever I'm "supposed" to be doing which is silly because I have set out the things that are on my To Do list, not anyone else so why would I not want to do them? I read for probably two hours a day though not all in one chunk. Usually an hour or so in the afternoon and an hour before I go to sleep. Sometimes less if I fall asleep. Then of course, I spend a couple hours every day doing various chores, cooking, The Great British Bake Off, etc. As the book says, it is a lot easier to think about writing but not actually do it, than to buckle down and do the thing that needs to be done. My schedule is also not exactly normal right now since I am out of work and my days are a little more fluid than usual. I have been fairly consistent with my morning pages though, which is good.

I have been doing some organizational work for my hubby so I spend a lot of time hanging around just to see if he'll have anything for me. I could be writing in that time but I'm usually not. I'm also weirdly protective of my writing so if someone walks by, I'll minimize the window and do something else which is dumb because everyone around me knows I'm writing and I'm not doing anything I'm not supposed to. Plus, this all goes on my blog when I'm done so what's the point of covering my work?

I haven't talked to too many people about this project but those I have talked to have been very supportive. I feel very lucky that I have so many working artist friends. Even if they don't do their art for a living, the majority of them do it as a very consistent side hobby. If nothing else, many of them have suggested I try to push myself a big further on this project than I had intended to. So not only am I using this project for NaNoWriMo this year to get the habit of writing, I'm also going to try to reach the word count goal of 50,000 words. That's super intimidating. Especially since I know I'm going to have to play some catch up during the week of Thanksgiving since I'll be hosting the family get together. I think I got off topic a bit...

I'm not doing for myself as much as I would like to and most of my "self" stuff is less than constructive. I am working to create new habits to make my me time a bit more constructive and mentally positive.

- List twenty things you enjoy doing. When was the last time you let yourself do these things? Next to every entry, place a date. 
writing - daily
yoga - twice weekly (last session yesterday)
knitting - nightly
baking - beginning September
sewing - two years?
dancing - ballet studio closed 3+ years ago
singing in a choir - 2010
hiking - two weeks ago
costuming - started some preliminary ideas this afternoon, last time made something, two Halloweens ago
coloring - last week
crafting - aside from knitting, 6+ months
cooking - 3+ times per week
reading - daily
poi spinning - 2 years+
hooping 1.5 years +
board games - June
camping - August
road tripping - two weeks ago
acting in plays - 2005
ice skating - 2009

- From the list above, write down two favorite things that you've avoided that could be this week's goals. 
Costuming: I started brainstorming a Dolores Umbridge costume this afternoon. I haven't decided if I should base it off of the movie Umbridge or the book Umbridge so I need to add "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" to my "To Read" list.
Baking: I've been off the bread wagon for a couple of years (baking-wise, not eating-wise) so I'd like to make a pumpkin challah this week.

Week 1 Writing Prompts part 2

- Write a letter to the editor in your defense.

To whom it may concern:

M is a writer no matter what she tells you. It doesn't matter if she doesn't write at all for months and months at a time, that does not change who she essentially is. In her heart of hearts, she is always wishing there were a way she could spend more time writing or possibly even make her living with her words.

Do not allow her to convince you she isn't really that great because she has become intimidated by the things she thinks she should be doing. That doesn't matter. Some day she may write a book, or maybe not. Someday she may create a collection of poetry, or maybe not. Her title as writer does not hinge on if she does or does not do any of these things. It is fine if she decides to keep her writing secret for the rest of her life, as long as writing occurs.

M has permission to create a whole lot of bad writing. Through allowing herself to write badly, she will one day write well. Nothing worth doing is easy. If M feels safe enough to share her writing with you, do her the service she deserves and be honest in your critiques. If you do not tell her where her short-comings lie, there is no way to improve upon them.

Sincerely,

M's Writer Self

List three old champions of your creative self-worth. This is your hall of champions, those who wish you and your creativity well. Be specific. 

This is much easier... I've always had a lot of support in my writing. My parents have always believed in me as a writer. My dad and I spend a lot of time encouraging each other to write. We buy each other writing books and try to check in with each other to see if the other has been writing at all. He used to do some freelance writing for car magazines and other family members and I have encouraged him to start a car blog but I think he feels shy about it.

Mr. Devoe my high school literary magazine teacher was another big supporter. Three of the four years of high school I spent totally entrenched in both choir and the literary magazine. That was my life. Through Devoe's classes, I learned a lot of great writing skills and creating a massive amount of work. I mostly wrote poetry in high school with one or two short stories I was proud of. He helped me decide that a journalism degree was the way for me to go. Devoe was one of those teachers who really wanted to see his students succeed and had a lot of passion for his job. I will always be thankful for the confidence he gave me.

Thirdly, I have to thank Angela for instilling me with a little bit of her madness. Angela is a true working artist. She left her office job that was sapping her creative energy and now supports herself and her family on her creative work. Angela is not the type to pamper a person's ego. If she knows you are a creative person who is not creating, she'll smack you upside the head until you get off your lazy butt and put the work in. She wants her friends to do good work and find practical ways to make their dreams come true and I really appreciate her influence.

- Select and write out one happy piece of encouragement. Write a thank you letter. Mail it to yourself or a long-lost mentor.

The feeling of publication is such an amazing feeling. Working on the literary magazine and for two school newspapers gave that to me. There is no better feeling than holding your writing in your hand and knowing that people you don't know are going to read it. It doesn't matter how many other people read it or what they think of your writing, what matters is they are seeing your work.
 
- If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them? 

In another life I am a librarian in a large, university library. I help students and community members find the exact right book they are looking for and create programs for the students and community members to have many positive interactions with their local library.

In another life I am a yoga instructor. I am flexible and well-balanced and I can easily touch my nose to my knees. I help people heal their bodies and their minds through our shared practice. (My lack of forward bend totally wouldn't make me cry!)

In another life I own a book/tea shop. My shop would be filled with comfortable chairs with little tables beside them. It would be a place that people feel comfortable spending a good deal of time. Maybe they'd have study groups. Maybe it would be the place that introverts would feel comfortable existing even though there are people around. We'd have various book clubs and kids events.

In another life I would own a bar with my friends in a former funeral home. It would be called Finnegan's Wake. We would host music events of all sorts and a weekly Drunk History night in which people with an enthusiasm for history could come and give casual lectures about a subject of their choosing that anyone can come listen to. I believe that people have a great deal of interest about history, they just don't want to have to take a test about it. An informal setting with beer would be perfect.

In another life I live in a cabin in the woods. I have a little herd of chickens and I am content to work from home. I write consistently and feel satisfaction in my work. Maybe I could sustain myself selling eggs and meat at my local farmer's market. My husband and I could travel whenever we see fit and we would see the world together, hand in hand.

Mad Max: Fury Road

There are a small handful of movies that were in fairly heavy rotation during my childhood. They were my Dad's favorite movies, "The Blues Brothers," "Animal House," "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and the "Mad Max" trilogy were key among them. So while I haven't watched the Mad Max movies in quite awhile, they are still important movies to me and I was so incredibly excited to hear the original director was in the process of making another movie and Mel Gibson wasn't going to be in it! After the initial SDCC announcement, I derailed a phone call with my Mom to make sure my Dad knew that this film was coming out and demanding he go watch the trailer.

If you look at this movie from a distance, it is about a bunch of rebels who drive away from a place out into the middle of the desert, stop, look around for a moment, and then drive back. Max's entire script could fit on one side of a cocktail napkin. Furiosa's lines could maybe fill up both sides of the same napkin. It isn't a terrible complex movie in its basic structure, and yet it is entirely thrilling and held me enraptured from beginning to end.

I love that practical effects were predominantly used rather than digital effects. I love that while the cast has entirely changed, the heart of this movie franchise is still intact. I love how empowering the female characters are and I tolerate that one of the War Boys looks almost exactly like my cousin which was super distracting.

The story of people enslaved on the hunt for a mythical better place is not a new story. What is new is how the story ends. Instead of arriving in this Other land and finding the fountains flow with milk and honey and all problems are solved, the Other is just as barren and desolate as the land the party originated from. Not all myths of prosperity actually result in the promised land. Sometimes you have to stand and fight to make your home into the promised land.

I've seen this movie twice now and I would gladly watch it again basically any time. It is visually stunning and entirely thrilling.

Week 1 Writing Prompts

- List three old enemies of your creative self-worth. Please be as specific as possible in doing this exercise. Your historic monsters are the building blocks of your core negative beliefs.

 I don't think I have any specific people who are enemies to my creative self-worth. If anything, everyone in my life up to a certain point was so optimistic about my writing, that I may have gotten an unrealistic idea of what a writer's life was going to be like. Everyone was pretty on board for me going out into the world to be the kid from "Almost Famous," and I was dumped out of college mid-recession. I did have one professor in college who was an enemy to creativity in that I always felt that her words were encouraging, but her actions were not. Any time I would go to her for actual advise about who was hiring and where I could get work with my brand new journalism degree, she'd try to shoo me away. I think this came from a place of fear for her because the current job market was just such a wasteland. She wanted to prepare her students the best to her ability but there wasn't necessarily anything to be prepared for. The job market was drying up right before her eyes and she felt powerless to help her students. This could all be me reading into her motives and assuming the best of her but that's how I feel. She was sarcastic and flippant with me as a way of hiding her own fear. So I went out into the world not feeling like I had any directions, not being able to use my new shiny degree to support myself, and feeling very angry about my situation.

I think ideas have been my creative enemies much more than actual people. "Your handwriting is TERRIBLE," "You can't spell," "There are so many others who can do it better." Those are the things that keep the notebooks empty and keep me from living up to my potential. In reality, none of those things should have any impact on my writing. So what my handwriting is bad? I could type everything. Typing also solves the spelling problem. And yes, people are always going to be better at things than me but if "50 Shades of Gray," has taught me anything, it is that it does not matter if you're actually any good at all. "50 Shades," is "Twilight," fan fiction written by a Mormon woman who doesn't actually know anything about the subject of which she writes and she is still a household name and her book is internationally known. And I can poo-poo her books all I want but she's still better than me because I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A DAMN BOOK.

-  Select and write out one horror story from your monster hall of fame. You do not need to write long or much, but do jot down whatever details come back to you.

Eh, I don't really have any horror stories... I've only had one teacher ever who didn't like like way I wrote. Sophomore year of high school and I honestly can't remember his name... I just remember we called him Llama Man because he spit when he talked. He's the only one to ever give me low scores on writing assignments and say he didn't like my style. I thought he was lazy and unoriginal. He also had us do "peer review" a lot which is a thing I have always loathed. I would much rather have someone skilled rip my work to shreds than have someone draw a smiley face on the top of my page and say, "Great job!"

Writer's Contract

I, M.A.L., understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the twelve-week (or more) duration of the course. I, M., commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist's date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.

I, M.A.L., further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions for me to deal with. I, M., commit myself to excellent self-care-- adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and pampering-- for the duration of the course.

Signed,

M.A.L.
October 19, 2015

Pan

This was a compromise movie. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you know that the only reason I got to see this movie is because my husband and I decided to attend two different movies at the same time. He wanted to see, "Bridge of Spies," and I wanted to see, "Pan." We both wrinkled our noses at the other person's movie choice so this was the best possible solution. Honestly, I don't blame my sweetie for not wanting to see this movie. It was not a quality movie. I mean, don't get me wrong! It was a pretty movie and I was very entertained but I would never ever suggest that this is a GOOD movie. "Bridge of Spies," will probably will a bunch of awards. "Pan," would be lucky to get a Razzie.

This is not the typical Peter Pan movie. Instead of being set in Victorian England with Peter Pan already living in Neverland ever fighting the one-handed Captain Hook, they instead decided to make this somewhat of a prequel. It is set in WWII London in a home for orphaned boys (one of whom is a little boy named Peter whose mother left him a pan flute necklace) whose caretakers sell the little boys to the pirate Black Beard. Black Beard's men then take the children back to Neverland which is filled with all the orphaned boys of the world whoa act as slave labor, mining "Pixum" aka pixie dust in crystal form.

Once Peter arrived in Neverland, I realized this movie and I were going to have a problem. Instead of the pirates singing sea shanties, they sang rock songs! Namely, Nirvana's "Nevermind," and The Ramones', "Blitzkreig Bop," because... reasons? I don't know, are actual sea shanties too dirty for a PG rating these days? Luckily, only those two songs were used and the time spent in the massive pirate encampment was limited which really, only made the song selection that much more confusing. The Neverland natives didn't sing modern tunes, neither did the pixies. Why just the pirates? It is all very baffling.

On his first day in the mines, young Peter sort of kind of makes a friend? I guess? A dude in his late 20s, early 30s who at first refuses to identify himself claiming he's no one's friend is only looking out for himself so don't even look at me bud! Oh.... okay. Mischief ensues causing Peter to have to walk the plank, accidentally flies, ends up in jail, dude who is no one's pal busts him out and they make for the native encampment. The native tribe is comprised of every kind of brown person from all over the world except actual native Americans though the entire village seems to have an Indian (from India) inspiration in the color pallet and the style of dress. But the princess.... Hoo boy, the princess is such a white girl! Tiger Lilly should not have strawberry blonde hair! What in the hell?! "I'm not your pal, guy," is forced to fight the tribe's greatest warrior, an Asian dude with mad trampoline skills. After valiantly getting his ass kicked and then saved by Peter, reveals himself to be James Hook (though with two hands still and no ship).

Hook then spends the rest of the movie generally being an insufferable misogynistic know-it-all who generally just fucks everything up and makes people mad. Less than five movie minutes after Tiger Lilly decides to trust Hook, he betrays her to the pirates because he likes her so darn much and doesn't want her to be killed and then condescendingly calls her sweetie and expects to be thanked for his service. What a great guy!

The rest of the story doesn't really matter. Pirates were defeated, fairies danced, life lessons were learned, Tiger Lilly didn't speak like, at all, Peter and James are bffs with a big ol' ship.

I honestly don't see the point of this movie. It doesn't really expand upon the story at all, it doesn't give the characters any extra depth, it doesn't make Hook more likeable. Hook is basically every dude on a dating site. Slimy gross. It was pretty but that was the only thing it had going for it.

I would like to thank all the children in the audience for a movie that let out at 11pm. Thank you for being better behaved than most adults in movie theaters these days. I didn't even mind the kid who endlessly wandered the theater because he was quiet.

So there, I saw this movie so you wouldn't have to.