Week 6, Wish List Exercise

1. I wish I were a better dancer.
2. I wish I could dedicate myself to things harder so I could improve.
3. I wish I felt more independent right now.
4. I wish I felt like I was meeting my potential.
5. I wish I could find more direction in my life.
6. I wish I felt more of a purpose.
7. I wish I had majored in something different in college.
8. I wish I didn't have food allergies.
9. I wish twins and miscarriages didn't run in my family.
10. I wish I wrote on my blog more.
11. I wish I were a better knitter.
12. I wish I were graceful even in the slightest.
13. I wish I could just learn things on my own without the pressure of someone watching.
14. I wish someone would just tell me what I'm good at and should do.
15. I wish could draw.
16. I wish I were more flexible.
17. I wish I were a more social person.
18. I wish I were more outgoing.
19. I most especially wish to feel fulfilled.

Week 6: Forbidden Joys Exercise

List ten things you love and would love to do but are not allowed to do.

1. Join dance classes.
2. Commit myself entirely to yoga.
3. Travel around Europe for an extended period of time.
4. Wear more plaid.
5. Take an astronomy class.
6. Get over my fear of motorcycles.
7. Write a letter to a former employer to tell her my firing was bullshit.
8. Shave part of my head.
9. Get chickens.
10. Buy a small house in the woods.

Week 6: The Virtue-Trap Quiz

1. The biggest lack in my life is the feeling of purpose or direction.
2. The greatest joy in my life is getting to seek adventure with my best friend.
3. My largest time commitment is assisting with my husband's store.
4. As I play more, I work more joyfully.
5. I feel guilty that I am not living up to my full potential.
6. I worry that if I don't commit more time to my ideas, they will leave me.
7. If my dreams come true, my family will support me.
8. I sabotage myself so people will feel that I am committed to their cause.
9. If I let myself feel it, I am angry that I have lost my sense of direction.
10. One reason I am sad sometimes is because I don't feel like I am living independently enough.

Mockingjay: Part 2

First and foremost, I am a big "Hunger Games," fan. I gobbled all the books, I've loved all the movies, I made my dad and my husband read the books. You don't have to convince me. I enjoyed "Mockingjay: Part 2." I have felt that the movies have all been fairly close to the books though I know it would be impossible to be exact. These are young adult books and they are not all that long and still they contain enough source material that the last book was split into two movies. I feel like the movie split was somewhat of a disservice to that last book. The story is so engaging and nuanced, it was easy to forget all the parts and pieces that went into Katniss' relationship with Coin and the hallow, terrifying look in Peeta's eyes while he was under Snow's control. I did enjoy that Part 2 picked up right where Part 1 left off. There weren't any opening credits, no fanfare. There was a title card and then we're back in that hospital room with Peeta and Katniss. This was good for reemerson into the story but was not helpful in that the teenage girls in the theater thought they had another minute or two to finish their conversations and and to text their boyfriends who didn't want to go see this girl movie.

I have to say, this was a very strange theater to sit in. We go to a theater that doesn't get a ton of foot traffic. On a typical Friday night, opening weekend of most movies, the main theater will be maybe half full. This particular Friday, opening weekend for Mockingjay, the theater was almost at capacity and there were maybe 15 males in the entire place. It was entirely full of high school girls. There was a goddamn sisterhood of traveling pants occurring in that theater. Whenever one of the characters was killed, a wash of "Awwwwwww," swept over the theater. My husband and I laughed as silently as possible every time that happened. I'm a Hunger Games fan but they were collectively The Revolution. The FELT IT. And then there was the kid behind me who, throughout the entire movie, yelled out what was going to happen right before it happened. I mean yes, I get it. We've all read the fracking books and we know what will happen. Please stop telling us, you're pulling us out of the cinematic experience. And please tell your girlfriend to stop saying she's gonna like, totally kill herself if such and such happens. Please stop! Okay, I admit I just hate seeing movies with other people... ever.

I appreciated the way the movie treated the relationship between Peeta and Katniss though I wish there would have been more, "Real or not real?" dialogue as I felt that was the thing that brought them back together in the book. I do understand that the movie could not be forever long, though I would have stayed for the whole thing if it had been. Watching the victors battle their way through District One was totally engrossing and nearly perfect. The sets were beautiful and the action felt real. One thing I have always loved about these movies is their ability to grab you by your heart strings and not let go. This film did not disappoint.

The only thing I did not like about this movie was the ending. Yes, I know it was true to the book and had the little epilogue where Katniss and Peeta live in their district's Victor's Village very nearly alone with their kidlets running through the fields that Katniss and Gale used to hunt in. I feel like the movie would have been better if they had ended with Peeta and Katniss lying in bed together and Peeta asking, "You love me. Real or not real?" That is a sweet, beautiful ending and I think everyone would be totally satisfied with that but instead we got an internal monologue of Katniss congratulating herself that her children will never know the fear and pain she lived through and they will never be forced to hunt another child. Yes, Katniss and Peeta are heroes but it just doesn't feel natural for Katniss to be patting herself on the back.

Overall, an enjoyable movie and a totally satisfying ending to this franchise. I will gladly watch all of these movies again.

Check in, Week 5

1. How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was this experience for you?
I wrote my morning pages every day this week! I didn't always do them in the actual morning but i did them and I am better for it. I have found the pages to be very useful and calming. It is absolutely a part of my day and if I haven't gotten to them yet, it nags at me until I do.

2. Did you do your artist's date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?
Yesterday I went to the Pierson holiday shop to look at all of the Christmas ornaments and decorations as well as all of the local foods and gifts for people like me who put together special local foods gift baskets. I spent at least half an hour looking over every individual item and enjoying all the bright colors and delicious looking foods. I wandered through their outdoor nursery and looked at trees and potted plants. I enjoyed the little pond and the landscaping that went into making the nursery look inviting. In the end, I bought a Christmas tree ornament that looks like a potato. I enjoyed seeing all of the people, excited for the holidays and anticipating the gifts they were going to give and receive. This far in advance, the only people looking at christmas things are those who are truly excited about the holidays. It's a sweet and uplifting feeling. Also, it is pre-Black Friday so the employees are not too exhausted yet. This is why I like to get my holiday shopping early. I like for it to be a good experience for those working as well as for myself.

3. Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?
I've been looking for a writing project that will captivate my attention and I found two! One is a science fiction story about a robot wife who does not realize she is a robot and so is somewhat bewildered by the way her husband treats her and her lack of memories. Secondly, the Red Panda Masala at our local zoo escaped and was missing for nearly three days. The zookeepers are unsure what she was up to over the course of those three days and I thought it would be such fun to write a children's book about Masala's adventures over the time she was missing.

4. Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Describe them. 
I realized that I am very sensitive emotionally while I am writing. Empathetic stress can cause me to shut down and not be able to focus on my writing. It's like that part of my brain gets switched off. It's a problem.

Week 5 Writing Prompts, part 2

2. Time Travel: Describe yourself at eighty. What did you do after fifty that you enjoyed? Be very specific. Now write a letter from you at eighty to you at your current age. What would you tell yourself? What interests would you urge yourself to pursue? What dreams would you encourage?
       At 80, I'll probably live alone in a small house or apartment. I'll volunteer at the local library and the local NPR station. I'll have joined a choir again. I'll have a close knit group of older women that I will try to convince to go traveling with me all the time. Maybe I'll have some sort of skill that I can teach to children in an after school program. Maybe a children's choir. Maybe very low budget theater. Maybe knitting. Maybe something I haven't learned how to do yet! I will probably be one of many little old ladies in my town who have taken to dying their hair bright, outrageous colors. Maybe we'll have hair dying parties like we did in college.
     My favorite thing about being 50 was all the time I got to spend with my husband. We both retired and spent our summers driving all over the U.S.  and our winters either with our daughter or in Europe. I finally took that dance class with him that he promised before we were married. We did everything hand in hand just as we always have. Life was such a wonderful adventure.

Dear 28-year-old me,
Stop worrying. It's okay that you don't know what to do with your life. You're so young and you have so much of your life ahead of you. I know you feel like you're stuck between places at the moment, but the adventure is just about to begin. Be patient with yourself and your husband. You will find your path and it will be glorious. Keep your head up, keep writing, and don't resist trying something for fear of looking silly. Just as in all things on life, 50% of success is just showing up. Keep moving and stretching. Yoga will keep your body strong and your creative work will keep your brain sharp. Don't be afraid to try new things and meet new people. Say YES!

Love,
Future You

3. Time Travel: Remember yourself at eight. What did you like to do? What were your favorite things? Now write a letter from you at eight to you at your current age. What would you tell yourself?
Let's see, age eight. That would be second or third grade. Second grade was one of my favorite grades in elementary school. I had Mrs. Boyd and she was an amazing older lady. She had been teaching for a long time and she knew how to ignite fascination in her students. That year, I loved reading for the first time. Sure, I had always loved books but my first grade teacher had made me feel like reading was hard, frustrating work. That year I got in trouble for reading when I should have been doing other work. That is a passion that has remained inside of me my entire life. That year Mrs. Boyd also got me interested in impressionist art. I became fascinated with Van Gogh and Monet and the dream of traveling to France to visit Monet's garden was first planted in my brain. I was very small for my age but I enjoyed playing outside with my friends and riding my bike around the neighborhood. My best friend was Jennifer Car and I had a crush on Gary.

Dear 28-year-old me,
Wow, you're old! You're like a grownup! What made you decide to move so far away? I bet mom and dad miss you. Why haven't you seen Monet's garden yet? Isn't that your biggest goal still? You sure have done a lot of neat things in your life! I am surprised by the way you turned out but I am happy. It doesn't matter what you do with your life as long as you are true to yourself and you are happy. Be your own person and keep exploring. What good books do I have to look forward to? When are you going to France? You should go now! Oh, maybe not NOW now but as soon as the state of emergency is over.

Love,
Tiny You

4. Environment: Look at your house. Is there any room that you could make into a secret, private space for yourself? Convert the tv room? Buy a screen or hang a sheet and cordon off a section of some other room? This is your dream area. It should be decorated for fun and not as an office. 
 With a whole lot of work and dedication, I could convert the basement into a secret hidey hole though that isn't my favorite environment. It's cold and damp down there and you can't really see outside. I've somewhat taken over the kitchen table as my own personal domain. It's a great spot with space for me to spread out. The kitchen gets really magnificent lighting and I can see a good chunk of my neighborhood. The kitchen is also the home to all the delicious foods and my tea kettle. My kitchen table is one of the places I feel most comfortable in my house currently. I am looking forward to when we buy a new home in the next year or so. I am looking forward to hopefully laying claim to a room to turn into an actual office since what was our office, is now the Mess Room.

5. Write your own artist's prayer.
Oh Brain, dear Brain,
Please do not forsake me.
You and I both know that you are capable of writing today if only you were more willing.
The world can be a dark and chilly place but please take all that hurt and make it something beautiful.
We do not have many gifts to give the world but we only need one.
Put pen to paper and use the laptop for more than internet browsing.
Bring light to the darkness of our heart.
Let us write.
Let us begin.

6. An extended artist's date: Plan a small vacation for yourself.
I would like to take 8-year-old me's advise and make my way to France so I can eat delicious foods and spend at least a full day in Monet's garden. I can start preparing for this trip by starting to tuck away money once I'm done with holiday shopping. I would like to get to France before we have a baby.

7.  Look at one situation in your life that you feel you should change but haven't yet. What is the payoff from staying stuck?
I know I need to start a regular cardio workout routine and I just haven't. I keep planning to stay after my yoga class and do a little bit of time on the treadmill or eliptical but I haven't done it yet. After yoga, it is so easy to just go home and watch tv and have a snack. I need to convince my brain that it can still watch tv and have a snack after some cardio. 

Week 5 Writing Prompts

1. Environment: Describe your ideal environment. One paragraph. What's your favorite season? Why? 
It is unclear if they are talking about writing environment or just environment in general. I prefer cooler climates. The Pacific Northwest is my very favorite region. Any coastal town between Humboldt County and Northern Washington is where I like to be. I like having the option to wear layers and I don't even mind when my nose and ears get cold. I like the cool, clean, moist air and the ability to see two natural wonders at once. (Namely the ocean and the redwood forest.) My ideal home would be in a somewhat wooded area and have just a ridiculous number of windows overlooking trees and (hopefully) ocean. My writing room would be small and cozy with warm gray walls and a bright pop of color on the ceiling. My writing desk would be pushed against a large window so I could observe my surroundings while I wrote. My writing room would have at least one wall of floor to ceiling book cases and several comfortable chairs. I would also have several floor lamps and tea tables. Honestly, this just sounds like a room I would only ever leave to sleep, cook, or acquire more tea. It sounds like a dream. This also sounds like what my loft would look like if I were to live alone. My home would have a large, well-lit kitchen with an island in the center for prep and for eating at. I would more than likely spend all of my time either in the kitchen or in my writing room. I would like my home to have a backyard. Doesn't need to be anything too huge. I just want a little space where I can have a garden and maybe a couple chickens.

My favorite season is autumn. I love feeling the weather start to cool off and watching the leaves change. Autumn also has a lot of my favorite foods. Squashes and spiced things and the emergence of peppermint everything. I like being able to wear sweaters and cuddle under blankets. I like anticipating the changes in the weather. The rains are just starting to come and people aren't sick of the rain yet. It's a wonderful time when everything seems clean and crisp. The sweat and the grit from the summer is washed away and it feels like a new beginning.

Buried Dreams, An Exercise week 5

1. List five hobbies that sound fun.
 Ballet, calligraphy, crocheting, aerial silks, book making.

2. List five classes that sound fun.
Astronomy, Italian, baking, basketweaving, opera.

3. List five things you personally would never do that sound fun.
Stage magic, trans-atlantic sailing, contortion, go-go dancing, party planning.

4. List five skills that would be fun to have.
Fluency in another language, a musical instrument of some kind, one really impressive ice skating move, that cherry stem thing, identifying all the constellations.

5. List five things you used to enjoy doing.
Singing in a choir, ice skating, performing in community theater, making mix tapes.

6. List five silly things you would like to try once.
Fire walking, sky diving, guided meditation, martial arts, roasting a whole animal in my yard.

Week 4 Check In

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was the experience? If you skipped a day, why?
I wrote all seven days! Which is the first time I've done that! Husband being out of town means my Sunday is my own so yay! All seven days! I am enjoying the morning pages more. It has become a thing I do every day and I like that.

Did you do your artist date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?
I did have an artist date. It was my whole day yesterday. I went to Arcata for the farmer's market. I love looking around at all the seasonal veggies. We're kind of out of fruit season except for persimmons, apples, and pears so now it's mostly veggies and meat. Hot peppers seam to be in season right now. For some reason, I find it odd that hot peppers become ripe when it is colder outside. For some reason, I assumed they would ripen in the summer. That's really dumb logic but so it goes. After I did my grocery shopping, I did a little holiday shopping. Plaza Design is one of my favorite stores to just look around in. They have some fantastic little knick knacks but I hardly ever buy anything. Yesterday I bought things. I bought two really beautiful lotus flower candle holders for Marsha, a magnetic egg timer for me that seems to work really well, and some reusable bags to put the holiday food gifts in. Actual physical baskets are expensive and I know most people of a certain age just have a room that has been entirely taken over by baskets. I'd rather get them something actually useful, like a reusable shopping bag! After my adventures in Plaza Design, I hit the other adorable little shops around the Plaza.

I really enjoy the playful nature of looking in chatchki shops you have no intention of buying things in. I love imagining the life I would lead that would include this little table or that cocktail shaker.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?
I had an actual idea for a short story this week. I'm going to start working on it tomorrow. That feels pretty good.

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recover? 
I feel like this week was positive. I wrote more than I had to. Any time I can willingly do more than the bare minimum of what will make me happy with myself, it's a good thing.

Week 4 Writing Prompt, Part 3

3. List five childhood accomplishments. List five favorite childhood foods. Buy yourself one of them this week.
- Perfect Attendance
- National Honor Roll elementary school through high school
- performing with accomplished pianist David Benoit
- lots of top reader awards
- first place in photography at the county fair with the very first photo I ever took.

4.  Take a look at your habits. Many of them may interfere with your self-nurturing and cause shame. Some of the oddest things are self-destructive. List three obvious rotten habits. What's the payoff of continuing them? List three of your subtle foes. What use do these forms of sabotage have? Be specific.
- I do the internet loss of productivity loop way too often.
- I will opt out of gym night super easily.
- If anyone is around, I will refuse to write.
There's an instant gratification associated with all of these things. There's zero longterm benefits which I think is entirely the point.
-Twitter. If my phone goes off or I get an email, that will always be the priority over what I'm writing.
- Weirdly I think reading may be a subtle foe to my writing productivity. Because I see it as a positive activity, I feel okay about reading instead of writing.
- Family Public Relations. Finalizing the Christmas card list in mid-November is more important than writing!

5.  Make a list of friends who nurture you. Which of their traits, particularly, serve you well?
- Kelsey because she is a strong, ambitious, and creative woman who wants to see other women succeed.
- Chris because he loves that I write. He wants me to become more ambitious with my writing and try to be more daring.
- Angela because she is the creative person other creative people want to be. She supports herself on her creative work, has her own publication company. She creates often and gets lots of people involved with her work. She has a fiery determination.

6. List five people you admire. Now list five people you secretly admire. What traits do these people have that you can cultivate further in yourself?
- Amanda Palmer
- Neil Gaiman
- Neil deGrasse Tyson
- Marian Call
- JK Rowling

- Felicia Day
- Hannah Hart
- Sarah Silverman
- Anna Kendrick
- Chris Hardwick

These are all people who have managed to make a living doing something they absolutely love. They often have a somewhat niche audience but they have found that audience and that audience has decided to support them whole-heartedly. By making positive and healthy decisions for themselves about life, they have cultivated their best self. I need to find my best self. My best self needs to stop checking her goddamn email all the time.

7. List five people you wish you had met who are dead. Now, list five people who are dead whom you'd like to hang out with for a while in eternity. What traits do you find in these people that you can look for in your friends?
- Elliot Smith
- Kurt Cobain
- Anthony Burgess
- Douglas Adams
- Orson Welles

I don't really understand the whole "hang out in eternity" thing. Are they the dead people who I wish I could invite to dinner? It'd have to be the list above, probably.  Smith and Cobain are both highly creative, genius-like musicians who ended their own lives. I am interested in what it is like to be a "tortured artist," because that is not an experience I (thankfully) have. Burgess, Adams, and Welles were highly creative people who lived good long lives and had the opportunity to experience how the world reacted to their work. I am interested to know how hearing and seeing the reactions of fans and critics may have impacted their work and their lives. Was it a struggle to work again after a bad review? If something did well, did they try to make more like that thing?

I think it helps that I am friends with a lot of musicians and creative people. I think I need to have more discussions with my creative friends to see how their creative work impacts the rest of their life and how presenting their work in a public arena has impacted their work.

Week 4 Writing Prompts, Part 2

1. Describe your childhood room. What was your favorite thing about it? What's your favorite thing about your room right now?
We moved when I was in fourth grade so I will describe both of my rooms. My room in Palmdale was in the furthest front corner of the house. My parents were always a little uncomfortable that my bedroom window was in the front of the house because there was very little between me and the outside world. I am an only child so I spent a lot of my time in my room. I believe the walls were white and the carpet was tan. My parents bought the house new so there were thick carpet pads which made the carpet very comfortable to sit on. I had little hammocks in two corners of the room where my stuffed animals lived. I suppose they weren't terribly high up but I was small so they seemed high to me. I had a doll house that I purchased with my own money. It was my prized possession for many years. I believe my parents still have that dollhouse and when I have a kid, it will come out of storage.

My room in Santa Clarita shared a wall with the garage. This means that there was a fence and a garage between me and the outside world. I think my parents were much more comfortable with that. The closest doors had mirrors on them which I found to be quite novel. I'm not sure if there had been a mirror in my other room, I may have had to go into the bathroom or my parents room to look in the mirror. My room was white for quite awhile though one year while I was away at summer camp, my mom repainted my whole room light blue with little clouds and gold stars. I was totally shocked but I loved it. I had a little desk that I've always felt was too small for me that I'd try to do my homework at. I spent a lot of time reading on the floor or my bed. The room is fairly small so there wasn't really any exposed wall space. I did have a big round popasain chair when I was older because reading sitting on the floor wasn't cutting it. That house was a repo house. The previous tenants had trashed the place. So while the carpet was new, it was very thin and cheap. My parents have lived in that house nearly twenty years now and it's the same carpet mostly because it is too much of a pain in the ass to replace it.

The thing I liked most about my bedroom as a kid was that it could very easily be my entire world. I could shut myself up in their for hours and play and read and listen to music. Sometimes it felt like as long as I'm in my room, no one can hear what I'm doing and no one would bother me.

My favorite thing about my bedroom now is that I get to share it with my husband. Even though we aren't cuddlers, I love falling asleep knowing that he's right beside me. I also love the bookshelves in our room. All of our books that we have yet to read, standing side by side, smiling down on us as we sleep.

2. Describe five traits you liked in yourself as a child.
- I liked that I was creative.
- I liked that I didn't care if people knew how much I liked books. (Used to hide in the library on my lunch and recess.)
- I liked that I was recognized as one of the smart kids.
- I liked that my mom volunteered to help all the time.
- I liked that most of my friends were boys.
 

Week 4 Writing Prompt, Part 1

Free Association

1. My favorite childhood toy was Honey.
2. My favorite childhood game was Pretty, Pretty Princess.
3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was "Beauty and the Beast."
4. I don't do it much, but I enjoy spinning poi.
5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself be more social.
6. If it weren't too late, I'd learn another language well.
7. My favorite musical instrument is the cello.
8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is maybe $50 though probably less.
9. If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I would buy her so many amazing pens.
10. Taking time out for myself is necessary. Saturday is my day.
11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming, I will find things are far out of my reach.
12. I secretly enjoy reading everything.
13. If I had had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be exactly the same. I would have tried to be an astronaut but I recently learned I am too short.
14. If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write a science fiction novel.
15. My parents think artists are fascinating.
16. My God thinks artists are.... I don't have a God so there isn't a way to answer this question.
17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is the idea that I could actually create something that someone else would like.
18. Learning to trust myself is probably something I should definitely be doing now while I am young.
19. My most cheer-me-up music is The Smiths right now... which I guess is a little odd. Marian Call and Rufus Wainwright as well.
20. My favorite way to dress is feminine but comfortable.

Movie Review: Spectre

I typically enjoy spy movies. I like the classy outfits, the awesome cars, action, frivolous love, adventure, intelligent villains, I love it! I love the thrill of it! This movie, Spectre, I did not love. My husband on the other hand totally adored this movie. He said it was a perfect throw-back to the 1960s Bond movies and seemed to love all the things about the movie that I disliked.

This movie was ridiculous. You know those spy movie spoofs where someone sneezes wrong and it triggers a MASSIVE EXPLOSION!!!!!!! Yeah, that was this movie. Everything blew up, twice. Which normally, sure fine whatever but it just took itself so seriously while it did it. Also, the chase scenes were ridiculous. At one point I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling, "You can't fly an airplane as if it were a sports car!!!!!" at the screen. Cars were drowned for no reason, planes were de-winged, helicopter engines were stalled, average citizens in Fiats were pushed to ridiculous speeds, parked cars were flattened. Excessive, entirely unnecessary.

One of my very favorite thing about Bond movies are the villains. They're always incredibly smart, driven individuals with loads of money and technology to burn and the single-minded desire to destroy James Bond. Christopher Waltz certainly delivered in that regard. His desert compound was lavish and crewed by hundreds of men in matching outfits but Bond defeated him too easily. There was no struggle. There was a couple moments of discomfort but nothing a top British spy couldn't handle.

There are two things that really bug me about this movie, I think. The first thing is that my favorite parts of the movie's trailer did not actually make it into the movie. When the Evil League of Evil capture Bond and explain to him that the connection they all shared was him and he looks all horrified, that bit didn't happen. When you see Bond's name added with spray paint to a list of names of those deceased, it seems like a big dramatic thing in the trailer. In reality, it was just some shitty directions of where Mr. Bond was to be taken to meet the big boss. Not dramatic at all and it allows Bond to kill his captors and go find the big boss on his own.

The second thing that bugged me was that James Bond usually comes off as very suave and charming in the other movies. He seems like a person women are drawn to because he is so charismatic. This movie was not like that. He just came off as a bully and somewhat of a dick the entire time. The love story made zero sense because he was such a total jerk to his "love interest" the whole time and she was pretty hostile herself and then suddenly, "But James, I love you!" Bullshit. I got so sick of him bullying Q into giving him what he wants without considering the risks that Q has to endure because of Bond's actions. The entire movie has him gallivanting around flipping the bird to absolutely everyone and honestly, just making things worse.

This movie made me sit for a moment and think that maybe 007 movies aren't for me... and then I realized that I've liked the previous ones and this one stands on its own in its mediocrity. I feel like Daniel Craig is super over this role and I'm glad he is retiring from it. This may be a controversial opinion, but I would love to see Daniel Radcliffe in the role.

Week 3 Check In

- How many days this week did you do morning pages? How do they make you feel? What do you find yourself getting from them?

I didn't write over the weekend, but I I have done morning pages every day this week. I find myself looking forward to doing them. It has become part of my day. It has become the way I process the day before. My hand doesn't cramp up uncontrollably anymore! I find myself getting a sense of calm from the pages. I like the lack of formality. I like that they aren't for anyone but me. I like knowing that I probably won't read them again and neither will anyone else. I can vent, I can think about recipes, I can plan for the holidays, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that the pages are full and I can move on with my day. 





- Did you go on an artist's date this week? What did you do?
 



I did go on an artist's date this week but it was somewhat of an accident. I had made plans to have coffee with a former co-worker. He had sent me a message on Facebook saying he had had a wildly inappropriate dream about me and would I like to meet him for coffee sometime? Who can turn down an offer like that? *eye roll* So I don't have a lot going on and I am always morbidly curious about these sorts of things so I basically yelled, "I'M MARRIED," at him and then said sure. I'd be fun to catch up and really just see what this is all about. I texted a friend and asked, "Oh a scale from 1 to Charles Manson, how unstable is this person?" My friend ranked him at a 5. That's well within reason. Fives are handleable. So it is my opinion that whoever asks for the hangout should be the one to pick the place and time. I tell him what day will work for me and he gives me the place and time. Awesome! I can walk there and it is a pretty high-traffic area just in case. I have no idea what to expect. I show up five minutes early at our destination coffee and chocolate shop and order a peppermint hot cocoa because peppermint is better than pumpkin spice in every conceivable way. I take my delicious drink and find a table where I can sit with my back to the wall and see the front counter and I wait. At ten after, I realize that he probably isn't coming. This is fine. I have a delicious drink, I can people watch, I have a book, the sun is shining. This is now a date with myself. At twenty after, I finished my drink and he still didn't show so I left. I took a slow walk through old town and enjoyed the cool, crisp air.

- Were there other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery?

I decided not to do any of the exercises this week and try to just write on my own. I was semi-successful. This week marks the start of National Novel Writing Month and I am glad to already have more than 5000 words under my belt. Yes, I know this is below average but I am fine with that. I'm not going to break my neck trying to get word count. This is about the process for me right now. I want to make myself comfortable with writing again, I don't need to burn myself out in the process. I have also just realized that I will still be doing The Artist's Way the week of Christmas and I have accepted that I will not be writing while we are out of town. It just isn't worth the headache and we'll have too much other stuff going on. I'll jump back to it when we return home.

Steven Universe

A couple months ago, my DVR died and I lost everything that I had recorded (which was a lot) and I lost the list of shows that it was scheduled to automatically record. I had become content with my tv schedule. I didn't have to think about what I wanted to watch. Like clockwork, my shows, his shows, and our shows would just appear on the list and we'd work our way through them. When the DVR died, I had a little bit of a mental block. I couldn't remember what I watched. It just appeared, I didn't have to put mental effort into it. Sure, there were my short seasoned competition shows that I knew (I would like to say that I only watch reality tv that requires a skill. "So You Think You Can Dance," "Project Runway," "Master Chef Junior," and "The Great British Bake Off," namely. Okay, I watch "Sister Wives," also.) but other than that, *shrug*. So I threw it out to my Facebook friends. "Friends, what shows do I watch?" I got a variety of suggestions, "Mr. Robot," "Diners, Drive Ins and Dives," "Rick and Morty," and "Steven Universe." Some of these shows I kept, some I did not.

"Steven Universe," is one of the shows I kept. Actually, I think I only kept the cartoons. At first, the thing that drew me in about this show was that the episodes were short. Sure, I could spend ten minutes watching a goofy little boy have adventures with his friends. I soon found myself picking Steven over some of my other shows because it was a sweet and sincere show that was not centered around violence and was just so warm and fuzzy. While a lot of "kids" television is not inherently violent, it is not exactly loving either. Characters are not often emotionally sincere with each other and real emotions are not often dealt with. While many of the episodes are adventure-based, they are also emotionally-based. When Connie fights the gem shards in her mother's hospital, it isn't just about Connie's amazing sword skills, it was about Connie and her mother trusting each other more.

I love that a show like this is appealing to children today. I believe by showing an non-binary family structure coming together to support this little boy who is not exactly the smartest kid, but definitely the most enthusiastic, will make kids find these relationships to be normal. Yes, Garnet is two lesbian gems fused together in love, Amethyst is somewhat butch, Pearl is fastidious, and Greg is... a human man... they all love Steven and work together to keep him happy and safe. I appreciate seeing a show like this on the air. I love seeing that the people who are creating television for young children today feel the immense responsibility that lies in their hands. Kids take what they see on tv and apply it to their lives. If they see a family structure they aren't used to and can see that it is just as good as their own family, this will spill into their life. I look forward to meeting the "Steven Universe," generation.

The Leftovers

Has there ever been a tv show in your life or maybe even a movie, in which you feel like you are the only person on the planet who knows about it, watches it, and enjoys it? With the immense connectivity we experience now through the internet, I don't think this is something that happens too much anymore. You can usually tell who your people are and you feel a sense of community surrounding Your show.

"The Leftovers," is a show that I always feel like I am consuming in a void. I know three other people who watch this show. That's it. Three. And none of them live near me. One of those people is my cousin and she works at HBO so I think she HAS to watch! I think that's part of her contract. I think she may have been in danger by not being totally into "Game of Thrones." So yeah, as far as I can tell, there are exactly four people in the world who watch, "The Leftovers," but somehow this seclusion makes me feel closer to this show. I identify more with the characters because I have no one to talk to about this show!

For the entire rest of the world who has NOT seen the amazing force of nature that is, "The Leftovers," it is a show on HBO about a global phenomena in which in an instant, 140 million people world-wide vanish into thin air. Wherever they were, whatever they were doing, they are just gone. If they were driving a car, the car probably crashes into something, if they were holding groceries, you've got broken eggs all over the sidewalk, if they were having sex, their partner is now traumatized for life. No one knows where they went or why those people are suddenly gone. Those who vanished become known as "the departed," and the rest of the world tries desperately to try to understand what this all means for those still on earth and how exactly they aren't meant to continue their lives.

Some turn to religious cults. A new fanatic group known as The Guilty Remnant emerge with the view that it didn't mean anything and everyone is just wasting their breath trying to make sense of it all. They dress all in white and continuously chain-smoke for reasons that were never really fully explained. Possibly to show devotion, possibly to show the fragility of life to begin with.

The show focuses on a couple families in one particular town. Kevin Garvy is the chief of police, his wife has joined the Guilty Remnant, his son has followed a messiah figure named Wayne into the desert, and his daughter is a confused and angry teenager. Nora Durst's husband and two kids were departed mid-conversation from her breakfast table. She hires prostitutes to shoot her in the chest while she's wearing a bullet proof vest so she can feel something.

The show is twisted and sometimes confusing. It plays on the fine line between clear, rational thinking and utterly insane hallucinations. It shows how incredibly fragile the human psyche is and how utterly incapable humans are of dealing with tragic circumstances they have no way of rationalizing. The characters are unable to accept that the departure is just something that happened without any rhyme or reason. As humans, we must always tell ourselves a story to make sense of things we do not understand.

I find this show to be both incredibly unsettling on a weekly basis and also very intriguing and comforting. None of these characters are perfect. They are all extremely screwed up individuals and that makes them more lovable. They are just doing the best that they can to survive.

The fact that no one is watching this show is the most disturbing thing to me. Didn't Andy Sandberg give everyone access to an HBO Go account during the Emmy's this year? You could be watching this show for free and you aren't! What a loss for you. Please watch this show so they will continue making it for me and the three other people who love it.