Pan

This was a compromise movie. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you know that the only reason I got to see this movie is because my husband and I decided to attend two different movies at the same time. He wanted to see, "Bridge of Spies," and I wanted to see, "Pan." We both wrinkled our noses at the other person's movie choice so this was the best possible solution. Honestly, I don't blame my sweetie for not wanting to see this movie. It was not a quality movie. I mean, don't get me wrong! It was a pretty movie and I was very entertained but I would never ever suggest that this is a GOOD movie. "Bridge of Spies," will probably will a bunch of awards. "Pan," would be lucky to get a Razzie.

This is not the typical Peter Pan movie. Instead of being set in Victorian England with Peter Pan already living in Neverland ever fighting the one-handed Captain Hook, they instead decided to make this somewhat of a prequel. It is set in WWII London in a home for orphaned boys (one of whom is a little boy named Peter whose mother left him a pan flute necklace) whose caretakers sell the little boys to the pirate Black Beard. Black Beard's men then take the children back to Neverland which is filled with all the orphaned boys of the world whoa act as slave labor, mining "Pixum" aka pixie dust in crystal form.

Once Peter arrived in Neverland, I realized this movie and I were going to have a problem. Instead of the pirates singing sea shanties, they sang rock songs! Namely, Nirvana's "Nevermind," and The Ramones', "Blitzkreig Bop," because... reasons? I don't know, are actual sea shanties too dirty for a PG rating these days? Luckily, only those two songs were used and the time spent in the massive pirate encampment was limited which really, only made the song selection that much more confusing. The Neverland natives didn't sing modern tunes, neither did the pixies. Why just the pirates? It is all very baffling.

On his first day in the mines, young Peter sort of kind of makes a friend? I guess? A dude in his late 20s, early 30s who at first refuses to identify himself claiming he's no one's friend is only looking out for himself so don't even look at me bud! Oh.... okay. Mischief ensues causing Peter to have to walk the plank, accidentally flies, ends up in jail, dude who is no one's pal busts him out and they make for the native encampment. The native tribe is comprised of every kind of brown person from all over the world except actual native Americans though the entire village seems to have an Indian (from India) inspiration in the color pallet and the style of dress. But the princess.... Hoo boy, the princess is such a white girl! Tiger Lilly should not have strawberry blonde hair! What in the hell?! "I'm not your pal, guy," is forced to fight the tribe's greatest warrior, an Asian dude with mad trampoline skills. After valiantly getting his ass kicked and then saved by Peter, reveals himself to be James Hook (though with two hands still and no ship).

Hook then spends the rest of the movie generally being an insufferable misogynistic know-it-all who generally just fucks everything up and makes people mad. Less than five movie minutes after Tiger Lilly decides to trust Hook, he betrays her to the pirates because he likes her so darn much and doesn't want her to be killed and then condescendingly calls her sweetie and expects to be thanked for his service. What a great guy!

The rest of the story doesn't really matter. Pirates were defeated, fairies danced, life lessons were learned, Tiger Lilly didn't speak like, at all, Peter and James are bffs with a big ol' ship.

I honestly don't see the point of this movie. It doesn't really expand upon the story at all, it doesn't give the characters any extra depth, it doesn't make Hook more likeable. Hook is basically every dude on a dating site. Slimy gross. It was pretty but that was the only thing it had going for it.

I would like to thank all the children in the audience for a movie that let out at 11pm. Thank you for being better behaved than most adults in movie theaters these days. I didn't even mind the kid who endlessly wandered the theater because he was quiet.

So there, I saw this movie so you wouldn't have to.